Chuck Norris recently declared, seriously or not, that he would consider running for president of Texas were it to secede from the Union.  The level of disturbance this statement causes can only be quantified in the number of double-takes I did after reading it: 3.  I guess I had no idea Chuck Norris had a full blown case of the crazies.

Chuck Norris does not read the Constitution.  He roundhouse kicks the Bill of Rights until there’s an Amendment that reads “The above does not apply to Chuck Norris.”

In his article, Norris repeatedly perverts the words of our founding fathers and reminisces about moot Texan history that he was not a part of.  Chuck, to quote a more qualified Hollywood visionary, is living in the past.  Using George Washington as an alibi for opposing overseas financial aid that was recently promised by the Obama Administration, Norris seems to forget the billions of taxpayer dollars invested wasted in Iraq by the Bush Administration solely for political reasons.  Where were you back in 2003, Chuck?

When Hollywood studios passed on Chuck Norris’s script for “Misunderstood: The True Story of the Confederacy,” a Civil War film starring Chuck Norris as Gen. Robert E. Lee, he campaigned for the state of Texas to secede from the Union so he could play the part in real life.  His petition for secession passed with 50,000,000 signatures.  They were all signed Chuck Norris.

Apparently, Chuck Norris is also a religious nut and believes that Christian history in America has been compromised over the years.  Not only that, he seems to think that religion should be playing a bigger part in US politics today, using John Adams to convince himself that the Constitution intended for this to be so.  We’ve “bastardized the First Amendment,” he claims.  However, the same Thomas Jefferson he effusively quotes to slam the current administration over spending (when again, it was the Bush Administration whose spending transformed a budget surplus to a $1 trillion plus deficit) was effectively the first person to campaign for the separation of church and state in this letter, dated Jan. 1, 1802.

You think you know The Beatles?  You don’t.  Chuck Norris knows The Beatles.

Chuck Norris has completed the transformation from novelty actor to total douche.  Though I guess they’re not too far off in the first place.  And to think, Chuck Norris, that I once wanted to be your Sidekick.

-Albis